Transcript “Successful Spiritual Communication between the Sexes” with Dr John Gray, author of “Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus ~ Healthy Life Radio, Tuesday October 4, 2022

Welcome to the Alisha Das show, live your love.

Alisha Das: We are in for probably what’s going to be my favorite show ever because we have a living legend with us, the amazing Dr. John Gray, author of many best selling books including the legendary book “Men Are from Mars, Women Are From Venus”. His most recent book is “Beyond Mars and Venus”. I’m going to tell you more about him but first I would love to welcome John. John, would you like to say hello?

John Gray:

Well yeah, I’m really happy to spend this time with you. Looking forward to sharing these great ideas.

Alisha Das:

Beautiful. Thank you. So my beloved listeners. Dr John Gray is the author of the most well known and trusted relationship book of all times, “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus”. I’m sure all of you have heard of this book unless you’re you know, 15 or younger because this is the ultimate relationship book.  USA Today listed his book as one of the top 10 most influential books of the last 25 years. It was the number one best selling book of the 1990s in hardcover, and Dr John Gray’s books are translated into approximately 45 languages, in more than 100 countries, and continues to be a best seller 25 years later.

Dr Gray has written over 20 books.  His most recent book, which my beloved listeners you’ve got to get is “Beyond Mars and Venus”. I promise it will change your life, certainly your relationships.  John helps men and women better understand and respect their differences in both personal and professional relationships. He combines specific communication techniques with healthy nutritional choices that creates a brain and body chemistry for lasting health, happiness and romance. John has appeared repeatedly on Oprah, as well as the Dr Oz Show. Today, Good Morning America and others. He’s been profiled in time for USA Today and People. John lives in Northern California where for 34 years, he happily shared his life with his beautiful wife, Bonnie until her passing in 2018. They have three grown daughters and four grandchildren.

So John is truly a living gift and I know I’m sounding rather gushy here, but I have to tell you, I have personal experience with John and he changed my life.  I was so deeply moved John by your heart, by your soul, I felt that you connected with myself and everyone in the room very intimately and personally, and really had this gift for going in with your keen insight, and of course your experience, really helping people to unlock that block that was holding them back from really being accountable, being sovereign, having incredible relationships. You just, you really, again your heart and your deep loving really moved me.  So I am beyond thrilled to have you with us, John.

John Gray:

Wow, that’s kind of an amazing introduction. I appreciate that very much. Thank you so much.

Alisha Das:

Oh, absolutely.  Absolutely and very, very, very heartfelt and intended to be true. So we will start with our usual Calling in the Light.  I did search that it is public information before I shared it but John was a monk for nine years before he began his incredible journey into being our relationship Guru, and is an intensely, personally, deeply spiritual person. I experienced that at his workshop a few months ago. So, as this show goes a lot into matters of the Spirit, we’ll get to hear from John a little bit about his spiritual precepts and his incredible experience with really living into our spiritual awareness in a very pragmatic and day to day way. So we’ll start with calling them the Light and then we’ll get to hear more from Dr John Gray.

So everyone if you would, just connecting with your breath and just perhaps touch your heart chakra, the middle of your chest and just say “open”. Take in a deep breath, being aware that we’re all breathing into our hearts together. Just breathe in love and as you exhale, you exhale anything less than love. Just be aware of connecting heart to heart, first with Spirit and then with the hearts of each one present.  John, myself, all those listening, all the listening to the archives later and touching heart to heart with the spiritual assistance that’s always available for us through the angels, with the Lord, by whatever name you know Spirit. To take this Soul moment and open to that presence. You are so held by a friendly universe and you dwell right now within the heart of God. So we just ask that anything that is less than Light, less than love, just be taken and transmuted as we open into the Light of the Holy Spirit, the Light of love, asking only the highest good come forward for each one present for this talk, that we might be channels of divine intent. And so be it and blessed be.  Amen.

John Gray:

Oh, man, that was so beautiful. Thank you.

Alisha Das:

And whenever you’re so moved, as I have the direct experience, I would love for you to lead us in meditation whenever you’re called to do that with us.  This is a show where John you have no limits.  You can say and share whatever is in your heart to share.

John Gray:

Well, thank you so much. You know, in my own life, people always ask me if you were a monk, how did you become a relationship expert? Well, ironically, you know, I grew up with five brothers. So I really understood guys.  I didn’t understand girls at all, became a monk didn’t understand women at all, but understood myself and part of my journey and spirituality helped me to find myself. I’m deserving of love. I’m good enough. I’m happy. I’m fulfilled. I’m connected to the source. You know, that’s my big trust in life is that I always have what I need, there’s no question about it. And maybe I got an extra benefit from just being a monk was I grew up and my mother lived that state where she was always in a state of grace, where she felt happy and fulfilled with her seven children. Imagine that. Six boys and one girl and she was in a state of happiness most of her life.  It was amazing but she always taught me by example and occasionally with phrases, “You always have what you need and if you don’t feel, if you’re unhappy because you’re not getting what you need, you’re looking in the wrong direction, because it’s always available”. But we have to learn how to pivot and shift gears from focusing on what we don’t have in terms of what we do have and in that place of gratitude for what we do have, it’s still fine to want more.   You ask for more, you can come from a place of instead of “Oh, I feel terrible, I need more”, you can come from place of gratitude and happiness of what you’ve got, and you can still ask for more. It is so key in terms of being able to ask.  I apply that same consciousness.  My own personal enlightenment journey was really finding myself.  So when I started having relationships after being a celibate monk for nine years women were a mystery to me. So I had to ask a lot of questions and I think asking questions is one of the most important things we can do in our relationships, particularly for men to understand is that we need to show interest and caring and understanding.

When I started my counselling practice after nine years of being a monk, I really listened to women’s complaints and it was rarely that women’s complaints were the same as men, and rarely did I relate to them because as a man I didn’t have a lot of those complaints.  One of the most important ones, and this is back in the 80s, was men don’t listen.  It still is one of the important issues. So asking questions is something men can learn to do rather than quickly give answers. You have to think of a man as kind of like a fireman.  If there’s a problem we want to put out the fire and historically the way you put out the fire is you go out and make money, and you go fix things, and do things in the outer world. But as the world has changed, which I talked about in “Beyond Mars and Venus”, the world has changed where men don’t have the traditional role, particularly women don’t have the traditional roles, where they’re out there solving problems all the time. So when she’s bothered about something, she’s not happy about something, a man’s tendency is to fight a fire, you know, put it out.  He doesn’t know how to put out the fire. What you want to do is ask questions and listen more and seek to understand before you try to solve anything, or fix anything, but actually just listening many times is fixing it, solving it, you know, we just see you’re not happy.

Even for many women, this is a revelation, which is to realize that men their strongest desire in a relationship, they find someone they love, who loves them, is they want to make that person happy. That’s their strongest thing.  How do I conclude with that? Not that a woman doesn’t care about a man’s happiness but when when you have couples coming to you, and many times I had couples on the verge of divorce, and I would take the man in another room and say what’s the bottom line? You know, men like to get right to the point, you know, we’re not going to talk a lot about it first, just what’s the bottom line. They would almost always say something like this, John, no matter what I do, it’s never enough to make her happy and women did not say that. Some women did, it was very rare. What women would say is, “I’m not happy. I do and I do what I do, and I don’t get back what I’m giving” because women have a tendency, there’s a gene, the nurturing gene, for babies, okay, so the tendency is a baby can’t really give you anything but unconditional love which is wonderful, but you’re just giving freely. That  tendency when you love someone, and you start giving freely and that doesn’t always work as well if that’s all you do in a relationship.  You tend to burn out.  I’m giving and giving and they are not worrying about giving back. But if you were to be nurturing a child, what a child does is they give you this unconditional love so actually, as a nurturing mother, and this is the biology of women, we’ll get into some of the biology, but when you when you’re nurturing you’re giving of yourself, but you’re also receiving and have received so much.  You see it is an equal give and take because children just think you’re the greatest. So you’re receiving and whenever you are in the mode of receiving, and this is our biology, you make female hormones and whenever you’re in the mode of giving, you make male hormones.  Certainly as men and women we have a blend of masculine and feminine within us but nowhere is it more clear that men and women are significantly different is when it comes to these hormones.

Women, in order to feel happy or fulfilled they need about 10 times more female hormones than a man, average man.  A man for him to feel good and open his heart, he needs at least 10 to 20 times more testosterone than a woman makes when she’s feeling good. So this is really amazing biological difference and once we can look at that, then we can look at what strategies with this extra knowledge, if you’re a woman, what are the best strategies.  For example, one of the best strategies and there’s many, but one is prayer and meditation and chanting and singing and devotional activities which have historically been the predominant activity for women, which is to feel the presence of the Divine. It’s always backing you up. There’s a sense of whenever a woman feels I have the support,  security.  When I have the security, and so many women today are missing that spiritual connection and that’s a shame. I mean, women have had that for 1000s of years and we’ve just become so logical that if we look at old spiritual beliefs, sometimes they don’t measure up to logic, but when we can experience – it’s like when you did the invocation today the prayer I could feel in my body Divine Spirit coming in.

You see, I loved it when you just go to your heart and say “Open”.  That’s awesome. We have to remember to do that every day which is I open my heart to you. The more you have a relationship with the invisible, but still it’s real for you because you will experience it, then you have this feeling that I’m not alone.  My angels are taking care of me.  God is taking care of me.  Even for people that have no experience of that, well, they all know that they have an inner potential and so you’re calling forth your inner potential.  We have to feel there’s more and we have to connect with more.  Otherwise, here’s the rub, we expect our partner to be more. You see, that’s the dynamic that goes on in our life.  When we lose connection with the Divine, the Divine is more than us, it’s the helper, it’s the support and we don’t always feel the Divine because we don’t have guides to help us connect to the our potential to feel the Divine, or we don’t trust the Divine and so we don’t take steps. There is an old saying, take one step towards God, and God takes nine steps towards you.

We have this inner potential that doesn’t come forth unless it’s required but we have to take the risk to depend on that. That’s also a big issue in relationships.  We have to take that risk, to depend on our partners for something meaningful because once we get disappointed, we tend to not look for it again.  We get our feelings hurt.  We go, okay, I’m not going to go there, again, not going to go there again. That’s the power of forgiveness, is learning how to forgive. What I’ve seen is for the female hormones it’s more about receiving because in this biology if you go to a therapist, for example, and talk about your feelings and what’s going on in your life, you will feel better, instantly, particularly if that therapist has empathy your estrogen levels go very, very high. That explains why this mystery of why 90% of the people that talk to therapists are women because if you talk about what’s going on inside of you, that’s got intimacy. Someone goes inside of you to know what you’re thinking and feeling and a good therapist will guide you to go deeper than you’ve even been before just by asking certain questions.

Well, when you go inside yourself and share that with somebody, your estrogen levels will start to dramatically increase. That’s one of the key factors that does it.  Maybe the most powerful in my experience but just the balance is off for men it is not so much estrogen, it’s more so men that men need to regulate stress levels to feel good, to feel romantic, to feel motivated, to follow through. These are the things men naturally do. If you’ve been married they’ll do it in the beginning because in the beginning there’s a newness to the relationship and that newness stimulates a brain chemical called dopamine, and that raises his testosterone. Because men need 10 to 20 times more testosterone otherwise, they just sort of become bored in life, sit around watching TV, not doing much and hard to focus on his partner when she’s talking and sharing which is one of the biggest complaints women have, which is, you know, I want him to be present, hear me, look at me, don’t be thinking of something else. That’s very hard for men to do. It’s easy for women to do but it’s hard for men to do if they don’t have an abundance of testosterone being produced in her presence.

Now what’s happening is kind of a huge challenge in the world today as men’s testosterone levels are dramatically going down. That part of a man that is interested in a woman, wants to connect with her, go inside of her feelings or thoughts that all has to do with testosterone. And testosterone is produced in men not when they’re receiving but it’s when they’re giving and getting a positive response to what they give.

So this is a big dynamic. It is like come back to what I talked about before which is men saying, you know, I do this, and I do this and it’s never enough to make her happy. So he feels powerless and when he talks to me in a workshop for example, I explain to men that what you’re doing will not produce the result.  You have to do something different and nobody’s ever taught us that. Because women have changed. The world has changed. And that’s why I talk about “Beyond Mars and Venus”.  You know  “Men Are From Mars” is still relevant to everybody because it really describes our hardwire, our hardware as men and women how it’s different, and how we regulate stress, and intimacy, and romance, and all those things. But the software has changed.  The software is that women are more on their male side and so one of the greatest gifts a man can give to a woman so they can feel I’m contributing to her happiness is help her to come back to estrogen production. Simple as that. We need to help figure out how to help women rebuild their estrogen because when you’re making money you’re not making estrogen. When you are sacrificing what you want to do to make money you make testosterone. See men have always been the sacrificers in history.

We sacrifice our lives in battle. We do the dirty jobs.  We do the dangerous jobs.  We do the struggling jobs and we don’t complain about it. We don’t complain because if we get paid enough.  See if you are getting acknowledged, look, I just put out a fire for you and everybody goes “hero”, he’s willing to do it again. So men are actually expendable and they’re happy to some extent to be expendable if you build statues to them. So that’s why there’s so many statues for men.  It is not a sexist thing. Men need to be motivated to do the dirty, dangerous, difficult things and they do it without a complaint.  They don’t whine about it.  They often talk about their feelings about it and one of the problems today is we’ve forgotten there’s a force that’s trying to tell us that men and women are not different. The result of that is we end up feminizing men too much so they get too much in terms of emotions, rather than their ability to empathize with other people’s emotions.

Alisha Das:

Wow, that’s that was just so full of revelations. So listeners you are listening to the inimitable legendary Dr John Gray, author of men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I am going to ask John how to motivate men so that we women can relax.  I just think that as you listen to what John just said I think both and women took a collective breath and just relaxed that we can be who we were born to be.

Welcome back to the Alicia Das show where we have the amazing Dr John Gray author of “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” and 20 other books and then most recently “Beyond Mars and Venus” where he talks about how relationships are changing in this world where women are really called to be more masculine than we may perhaps naturally enjoy being.  I think sometimes men are forced to become more feminine than they may want to be. So John was just talking to us about how men can support women to, you didn’t use this world John but I would say relax. I mean I audibly sighed when you talked about how men can support women to be more feminine, still sovereign and strong but more feminine and I would love to hear a little bit more about that if you would.

John Gray:

Well, absolutely. I would never use the term “honey, just relax”. That would be a communication disaster. Calm down, relax, don’t worry it.  When men do that, even though it’s accurate, it’s not the right form of communication. If somebody’s stressed, you don’t just say relax.  You say, “oh what’s the matter, what’s going on?”  For the men listening it’s always about asking the questions. Here’s some magic words right here and you can use it as many times as you want men and women can use it a little bit with men, you just want to make sure that women are always talking more than men. I know a lot of women think, oh, no, men think we talk too much. If you don’t open up and share a man can’t connect with you. That’s how he connects is by penetrating into you and that’s how you’ll connect with him more by letting him in, revealing.  See it is a little counterintuitive.  When you reveal what’s inside of you that’s actually receiving that’s not giving.  Certainly, you’re giving some trust that somebody is going to be there for you, which is very important but what’s happening is when he’s putting his attention on you, listening to you, seeking to understand from a caring point of view, that’s a huge gift to you where you’re receiving. We often think feminine is giving but actually the feminine part of us, in both man or woman, is receptive.  It is feeling grateful. It’s feeling appreciative.  It is feeling trusting but it’s also feeling emotional.

Emotions are very, very powerful to produce estrogen. You know, one of the things I teach men, and men have to learn this, men in the past actually knew this a long time ago, is that you don’t get angry at a woman. Okay?  You are cool, calm and collected.  You know we are taught, suck it up. Don’t be reactive to things.  It used to be you would go to the Army and they would line you up and they would insult you and if you gave them any reaction like rolling your eyes or being upset, you would have to do 50 push ups. It’s like men have to learn not to let their emotions control them. Women have to learn how to share emotions in a way that doesn’t blame a man. That’s basically the art of communication and what’s interesting is, if we come back to what we’re really needing most in our lives, is for women opportunities to make more estrogen.

So if you take a class where you’re learning something, you’re depending upon a teacher for example your estrogen levels will go up. If you have a tennis coach, for example, and he is teaching you how to play tennis your estrogen levels will go up and in a humorous way, there’s a lot of women that fall in love with their tennis pros.  He is focused on her all the time and he is teaching her something.  He has an expertise. It used to be that men historically could provide something for women that they, in general terms, couldn’t provide for themselves or didn’t want to provide for themselves. Just think about opening the car door on a date.  Of course, you can open the car door on a date event but he says, “I just want to do everything for you tonight. It’s not like I think you can’t open the car door but I want to open the car door for you and do whatever I can because you give so much to so many people and to me. Let me give more to you tonight”.

You see that’s a romantic feeling and everybody can relate to that right away. The romantic feeling comes up inside of you when your estrogen levels begin to rise really high. When  a man, when masculine energy, because you know other people can do things for you, but when you have more of a connection, when in your presence his testosterone goes up and he then acts on that and does something that’s going to raise your testosterone above, above the normal level of being happy and fulfilled. That’s romance. My daughter teaches a class online as well for women and I work on these as well with her and we’re talking about we have a new class which is understanding men and how men go to their caves. And when they go to their cave – there’s a lot to say about it – but generally one of the Mars/Venus ideas is when men are stressed, they need to detach from estrogen stimulation.  They need to pull away. Now at that time, if you give him the space without trying to go into the cave he will pull away and he’ll spring back and and be romantic.

Now when my daughter wrote that I said, “Well, I’m not always romantic when I come out of that cave, explain that to me”.  She said well her husband.  I said what would he do when he comes out of the cave, when you don’t pressure him to come out, when you’re not trying to go in and find out what’s the matter, just give him space, leave him alone, and then he’ll come back. When he comes back out she says he’s always romantic and I said, what would that look like?  She says, “Oh he’ll just start cleaning up the kitchen.  He’ll empty the trash.  He’ll go fix something”.  You consider that romantic and she says, of course, that means I don’t have to do it. And I realized what she’s talking about is in her life she works very hard to maintain a balance of her male side and her female side. So her estrogen levels are at a good healthy level to be happy and fulfilled so then when her partner does practically anything for her, it’s going to cause a surge in estrogen to create romantic feeling.

Alisha Das:

I call that is chore play by the way.

John Gray:

That is foreplay.

Alisha Das:

No, chore play.  I call it chore play.  He’s doing chores.  Chore play.

John Gray:

Oh chore play.  Tell me more.

Alisha Das:

Well just exactly what your daughter is saying.  When a man is doing chore play, when they are helping out and they are making my life easier and I haven’t asked them to, that’s very seductive and as you are saying it increases estrogen.  That’s why I call it chore play.

John Gray:

Now here’s the rub on that.  Everything we say there’s always a yes but, a yes but.  If it was all so easy, we’d have great marriages today.  Marriages are going down the hill, down the hill.  Twice as many people aren’t even getting married because they don’t have the relationship skills to fall in love and stay in love. It is not always so simple until you understand it.  When you understand it and it makes sense to you, when you understand men, it’s so much easier to relate to them in a way and motivate them. And just that in itself is a big rub because women will often say why do I have to motivate them? I can turn around and say, well, why does a man have to make you happy? See what happens is in the beginning of relationship, she was so easy to make happy.  I just called her.  I took her to a restaurant.  I would compliment her. Oh, she was so happy. So in his mind, little things make her happy. Wait until I do the big stuff.  So he thinks it’s really easy to make her happy and he’s very motivated. Now why is he so motivated? That’s because the dopamine levels, which is the motivating brain chemical gets produced when a situation is new and different, challenging. So that new and different comes in only in the beginning of relationships and that then creates automatic motivation to do things to please you. But once familiarity sets in he doesn’t get that extra dose of dopamine. So he’s not going to always be motivated. Just like for a woman in the beginning, the newness stimulates high estrogen, so whatever he does makes you happy. He called you.  He’s thinking about you.  We get this mixed messages. She’s getting the message that this is a really motivated guy and he’s getting the message that this is really happy woman. There’s nothing I have to do to make her happy except little things.

Then, ironically, without the knowledge that I teach men, go right into the mode of well I’ll do the little stuff in the beginning, but now I’m going to do the big stuff.  Commitment, monogamy, marriage, earning, sharing income, all of that the big stuff. Why do I need to do the little stuff. And what he doesn’t understand is that women are very different from men.  Little stuff is equal to big stuff and particularly once you do the big stuff, you have to continue doing all that little stuff and it doesn’t make any sense to him.  It is illogical to him.  All of my suggestions if we don’t understand how men and women are hormonally different, seem how can you say that? But the reality is if I think of it “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” every act of love to a woman from Venus, every act of love scores equal to every other act.

An example of that is I get my daughter’s presents at Christmas time and they say, “Oh Dad wrapped these himself”.  They are not every perfectly wrapped, I’m not a good wrapper but they are excited.   “Oh, Dad wrapped them and there’s a little card”.  I wrote a little card.   Actually I used to write these little poems for them. That is almost more memorable than the present inside. Okay. It’s amazing. The little things can make a huge difference and you just mentioned another little thing, which is when men do things for you and you didn’t have to ask. That’s a little thing that scores really big.  Maybe double points for that but I like to help couples be realistic. If your partner is not doing those little things for you, you have to teach them.  You have to inform them. Now this is how I like you to hug me and it’s not a pat on the back.  A five or six second hug is really nice, it feels good.   Then I do the research on it and find that actually it takes about six seconds in a non-sexual hug and it will create a surge in oxytocin, another hormone of safety, and that oxytocin then opens the door for your estrogen levels to go up.  Think about estrogen is whenever you’re depending on someone, or you believe I can depend on someone, or you anticipate I can depend on this person. Another tip for relationships is men you don’t have to say to her, it’s not really that helpful to say, what do you want to do tonight? That’s not romantic at all. It’s a week in advance, discuss with her.  Tell me some things you’d like to do next week and she’ll always say something like, what do you want to do? And say, no, I really want to do something for you. What do you want to do?  And you might have to go back and forth and ideally the goal is for her to come up with three things she’d like to do. Then he picks and you pick and let me know. So he takes some time and then he can feel like I provided this and she can feel like I have no pressure around this, and I’m going to get what I need.  I don’t have to worry about him being happy. He’s more concerned about me being happy and you’re doing something that you’ll be happy about.

Another communication skill is when you’re on the date and in the restaurant you have to understand that whatever a man brings you to, or provide for you on a date, that’s a romantic feeling for him, and it’s more personal. So he’s going to be more sensitive to how you respond and everything that builds testosterone is when a man does something or takes a risk, and he succeeds. He achieves his goal and, you know, just like if my wife was trying a new outfit, I wouldn’t want to say “oh honey you need to lose weight”.  No.  You tell her, you look beautiful honey.

I remember when Bonnie was turning 40 at that time she was putting on a little cellulite and she said, do you see this?  I said, “see what?”.  There’s times that be romantic rather than factual like “well, you know, you can get a treatment for that”.  She knows she can get a treatment for that or you don’t want to say “well, you can go to the gym more regularly. I’ve noticed you stopped”. You don’t say those things. You say things that are nourishing and nurturing to each other’s feelings. We have to realize communication can build estrogen in women, communication can build testosterone in men. Then when you’re finding your balance, the differences aren’t so important but it’s understanding this dynamic of helping your partner cope with stress is a very romantic thing which is helping to raise your estrogen and for women learning how to keep a man’s testosterone are comments like “that makes sense” or “what a good idea” or “so smart” about his ability, his confidence and what he can provide.  This is really a secret they can make a huge difference and they’re little things.

Alisha Das:

Beautiful thank you.  So many jewels and indeed just small little changes that can make huge differences really in the difference between a successful relationship and a tense. stressed challenging one.  So let’s hear from the man himself.

John, what are your closing thoughts? What would you like to share with us?

John Gray:

Well, I think it’s just so important today that we expand our awareness to recognize that our emotional needs today are different than in our parents generation. If we look at 100 years ago, Dr Maslow talked about hierarchy of needs and when your lower needs for survival and security, physical, are pretty much fulfilled and you can do it yourself, then your higher needs come into play. The foundation from those higher needs is intimacy. It’s emotional fulfilment, how to communicate in a new way that fulfils our emotional needs, and I would just change that to emotional needs trigger hormone balance. So what we’re looking at is putting more attention for men learning how to listen and for women to understand why it can be challenging for men to listen.  Women to understand a man’s need to take time and that if you want a man to be more attractive to you, you have to give him space and not make him wrong for taking space. We have a whole course online. It’s really a four week class on understanding men and their cave. You know, some men are just pouting and irritable. We have to know at those times biologically his estrogen levels are too high. He needs to do things to stimulate testosterone and there’s things that she can do for him that will stimulate his testosterone as well.

One little tip before we go off here because a lot of couples always ask me what’s the right amount of sex to have and certainly in the beginning of a relationship the newness, couples have no question about that.  If you have sex once a week the research shows that six days without sex, without any form of self gratification for six days, on the seventh day a man’s testosterone levels will increase 50% more than his baseline, and that brings him back to making love the way he did in the beginning. That’s very, very important to keep women’s estrogen levels up.  The more is not necessarily better but understanding special occasions more fine, but understanding how to keep the passion alive for the whole life together, that’s possible, and the skills to do that.  We will learn more about those skills in the workshop. This is what people can find in my book “Beyond Mars and Venus”.

Alisha Das:

Beautiful.  Beautiful. We are going to do a very quick meditation to see if we can experience a little bit more of the treasures that John has bequeathed us.

So if you would again take another moment and just come present.  Breathe into your heart. Open yourself to receive and to give love.  Take in a deep breath and breathe in love.  Receive from spirit and as you exhale you give love into the Universe that you might be aware of yourself as the presence of Love. One with Source. Just open again and allow yourself to become aware of any of the judgments you’ve had of men, or of women, of relationships. Just cup your hands in front of you if you would and just place into your hands any of those judgments – men don’t listen, women are never happy, whatever those are, just place that into your hands.  Close your hands.  Tie it around it.  On the count of three we’re going to let it go.  Lift your hands up if you can.  One, two, three let it go and just say, I forgive myself for judging the opposite sex. I do not know enough to judge. Now let it all go now into Spirit Light and become fully present in my heart, allowing myself to be open, to be trusting of my partner be they personal or professional, be they a stranger on the street, let me be open and generous to the opposite sex, to know that I reside in a state of grace.

For women, open yourself even more to that devotional state that is your true nature and perhaps you just place into the Light your intention to pray, to meditate, to reside in a state of fullness, of divine gift, divine fulfilment. You don’t look to your partner to give you more for you’re always connected to more. You are full, grateful, trusting, knowing that as John said, you take one step, God takes nine steps.

Beloved men, if you would take a deep breath, exhale and let go of the past that you might come into the newness of this moment.  To come present, seeing the world around you like someone who had never seen a newborn infant, an alien and just fall in love with the newness of this moment. Falling in love.  Seeing your partner new, attracting abundance, and affirming yourself as a hero that you were born to be and always are in your mate’s eyes, and most of all in your own.

We just see all of us, this world, coming into a greater state of grace, of harmony, of deep and abiding love and intimacy.  And so be it.  Amen.

And beloved listeners, we’re going to hear some closing thoughts from Dr John Gray.  John, take it away.

John Gray:

Well, I just want everyone to know so many times we feel discouraged in a relationship like we’ve tried everything and it just hasn’t worked and does my partner love me,  or will I get the love that I need. So much of the time we lose hope that we can get what we need. When people begin to discover the ways we unknowingly sabotage getting what we need, and understanding that men don’t know what they’re doing, women don’t know what they’re doing, but we think we do. So with these new insights we can more easily forgive our partner and realize we can make small changes to have a significant result and we can get back on track aligned with our Spirit which is to love and to receive love, and that’s a possibility.

I think this message helps people with that tremendously.